English Jokes

Englische Witze

Illustrationen von Ilja Bereznickas
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English Jokes

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Leseprobe: Joy Browning, Snapshots of Britain


English Jokes

“Hello, doc­tor, was my op­er­a­tion a suc­cess?”
“Sorry mate, my name’s Saint Peter.”
“I’ve read so many books about smoking and drink­ing that I’ve de­cided to give it up.”
“Smoking or drink­ing?”
“Tell me, doc­tor, how long will I live?”
“It’s dif­fi­cult to say, but if I were you I wouldn’t start watch­ing any TV seri­als.”
“What is a cow after it is five years old?”
“I don’t know.”
“Six years old.”
Ques­tion: What do you give a man who has everything?
An­swer: Peni­cil­lin.
On the train from Lon­don to Birm­ing­ham there were two people, a man and a wo­man.
After a few minutes the man said, “Ex­cuse me, madam, would you kiss me for 50p?”
“Cer­tainly not!” she replied.
A few minutes later the man asked, “Would you kiss me for ten thou­sand pounds?”
The wo­man thought for a while and then said, “Yes, I think I would.”
A few minutes later the man asked, “Would you kiss me for a pound?”
“No I wouldn’t!” replied the wo­man. “What sort of wo­man do you think I am?”
“We know that already,” said the man, “we’re only try­ing to de­cide the price.”
A man of eighty vis­ited his doc­tor.
“I’m go­ing to be mar­ried next week doc­tor.”
“Very good,” said the doc­tor. “How old is your lady friend?”
“Eight­een,” replied the man.
“My good­ness!” said the doc­tor. “I should warn you that any activ­ity in bed could be fatal.”
“Well,” said the man. “If she dies, she dies.”
“Doc­tor, doc­tor, every­one says I tell lies!”
“I don’t be­lieve you.”
A primary school teach­er was sit­ting on a bus. She was fairly sure that she re­cog­nized the man op­pos­ite her.
“Ex­cuse me,” she said, “but are you the fath­er of one of my chil­dren?”
Did you hear about the head­mas­ter* that worked in a match fact­ory?
“This one works … This one works … This one works …”
* In this book there are no ra­cist jokes however it is use­ful to have a “stu­pid per­son” in some jokes. For this reas­on, I have se­lec­ted a “head­mas­ter” as the stu­pid per­son.
It is sur­pris­ing how quickly you get used to the head­mas­ter do­ing stu­pid things.
Of course, we all know that head­mas­ters are, in fact, some of the bright­est people in the world, don’t we?
“Doc­tor, doc­tor, I keep los­ing my memory!”
“Mmmm, when did this start?”
“When did what start?”
What is worse than find­ing a worm in your apple?
Find­ing half a worm in your apple.
Did you hear about the glow­worm that died try­ing to make love to a lighted ci­gar?
What time is it when six ele­phants sit on your fence?
It’s time to buy a new one.

2013 Deutscher Taschenbuch Verlag GmbH & Co. KG, München

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eBook ISBN 978-3-423-41948-2 (epub)
ISBN der gedruckten Ausgabe 978-3-423-09484-9

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